As Shrimple As That

Oh hi! I’m Jiggly. And it’s a Tuesday.

Answering the call from a new era… It me. I tried to take the offseason as an opportunity to take a break from the Fire and collect myself. I went to therapy, I started listening to more Midwest Emo music, and I finally got to reading some bell hooks (highly recommend The Will To Change, I still need to get to All About Love). Although, most of it was still spent playing Baldur’s Gate III (I still haven’t fully completed a single one of my saves).

But I also used that time to kinda consider what my goals are as a columnist. What am I doing here? Because I’m not exactly here to be a “reporter” or even a true “journalist”. I mean, I pulled out of going to journalism school and switched to screenwriting for a reason. And that’s cause I really like telling stories, I like understanding stories, and I like being able to reframe stories for people who may not fully grasp them. I’m here to try to collect what has happened and try to rationalize the sheer absurdity that comes from the chaotic game of soccer. Elsewhere, you can find the actual journalists describing the actions taken on and off the pitch. Here, I interpret those things. Where traditional journalism is about “How”, I’m a columnist trying to describe “Why”. And where traditional journalism is about giving just facts, I’m a columnist attempting to fill in the gaps.

At the same time, I’m here to be a sort of “chronicler” of the club, to mark down the emotions that are felt within this fanbase. Because the Chicago Fire fanbase has, over the past decade and a half now, been one of the most interesting sociological studies in all of sports. Not simply because of the misery, many teams have had it this bad, and many have had it worse. But I’m not sure how many of those teams have done so in such a weird place between obscurity and “rising popularity” along with the rest of MLS. The backstabbing, gaslighting, and infighting both within the fanbase and with the front office should probably be studied by someone with an actual degree in that sort of thing, but in the absence of that, someone’s got to at least get the stories down for the researcher to actually use. And even if it’s just for our own benefit to reframe our perspective on the issues in front of us, these stories are important to tell. I hope to use this column to tell those stories, to tell my stories, to tell the story of the Chicago Fire as best I can.

With that said, I’ve got a bit of a preseason trilogy for you. It’s sort of a guided meditation over the next few weeks. I feel like with a lot of the things we want to be changed having been left unchanged, maybe we can change our mindset. So, in order to go into the 2024 season truly refreshed, we need a chance to dream, a chance to grieve, and a chance to let go.

As Shrimple As That

Recently I was going through all of my feature scripts again and realized that pretty much none of them have happy endings. Most are more bittersweet, ending where inner peace is found within the protagonist without there being any real outer resolution. Basically, I never actually give my characters what they want, and even if they do get something they want, it comes at a great cost. Which, at least to me, feels more real and honest. Maybe I see that as reality because of how much I’ve internalized not getting what I want from the Chicago Fire. But maybe that’s something that could change. Even if my goal is “realism”, good things can still happen in reality. There are realistic ways that the Fire can get good and possibly get good fast.

So I want you to dream with me. Dream of a better world where we get this happy ending.

The first thing that we gotta realize is that the squad isn’t exactly as bad as we all make it out to be right now. They couldn’t make the playoffs and could barely score any goals, but there are guys on this team that can still play. Chris Brady and Brian Gutiérrez are both excellent homegrown players and consistently stand out as such. Xherdan Shaqiri finally woke up in the game against Inter Miami, proving at least to me that he will show up on big occasions (the problem being, how do we trick him into believing every team has Messi hiding somewhere in the stadium?). Overall, the team is built like it’s readymade for a genuine game-changer to walk right in and cook. There’s a bunch of solid role players throughout the roster, especially in the attack. What we lack in goalscorers, we more than make up for in distributors and playmakers.

Speaking of playmakers, the Fire have actually done some business this offseason that doesn’t look bad. In fact, these guys are pretty darn okay. Andrew Gutman has been a top-level MLS left back and will probably be even better now that he’s playing back at home, something that has proven time and time again to be a theme when it comes to MLS homegrowns and specifically guys from Chicago who come back to Chicago. Then there are the other defensive reinforcements Tobias Salquist and Allan Arigoni. Salquist adds some much-needed height to the squad overall at 6’3” and Arigoni is another Lugano guy who’s gotten a ton of praise there. And this time, his skill set is much more MLS-friendly (sorry, MF DOUM). Finally, Tom Barlow may have immediately become a meme, but if he scores, then he scores. And it’d be pretty funny if he does score. Especially if he scores more than 10 goals.

Then we get to the coaching staff. I was gonna have an emergency column once we announced the coach, but I already said everything I needed to about a new Frank Klopas era back in August last year. But with all that being said, at a minimum, you want to surround him with people who fill in the gaps that he has. Guys who are, for lack of a better term, smarter than him. Paulo Nagamura was good enough to not only be considered for head coach last time the Fire were looking for one but ended up as a head coach elsewhere in the league. Unfortunately, he seemed to be missing a bit of something in Houston. Maybe, just maybe, the guy has the right tactical knowledge, but couldn’t command a locker room well enough. Which, if that’s the problem, then Klopas can do that second thing very well. Maybe they mesh together well. And I feel like it’s not being talked about enough that the Fire have hired a specialized coach for set pieces, something that the Fire have struggled with for years, both attacking and defending them. I think that there needs to be credit to Klopas for recognizing that shortcoming and doing something about it.

The other big thing to consider for the Fire when it comes to dreaming of a better future for them is that with the European window closing, the Fire still have every chance to grab some more key pieces. Pieces like Kellyn Acosta, who’s had his name connected to the Fire since the final whistle at MLS Cup. And trust me when I say that he would honestly be such a pivotal addition to the team. I’ve said before that what you need to build a great team is the Portería, the Central, the Contención, the Creativo, and the Goleado. And the thing is, that may seem like it’s already a spine, but you do need an 8 to connect everything together. And that’s what Acosta is best at. Currently, Gaston Gimenez can’t defend, I don’t trust Mauricio Pineda in the attack, and I definitely don’t trust Federico Navarro in the attack. Acosta would be the first player in a long time that can actually move the ball through the midfield, something the Fire have struggled with for a while. He’s also an experienced MLS veteran, which is important when playing a position that’s gonna need experience with MLS officiating (again, apologies to MF DOUM). Acosta would be game-changing in fixing everything that’s wrong in the middle of the park for the Fire.

This is also the time to mention another piece of that “spine” I mentioned: the mythical “DP9”. I truly believe that we are close to signing one. I have no new info (I’m too short to look over Alex’s shoulder), but there have been hints everywhere. In a recent preseason press conference, Klopas mentioned that we’re close with a couple of guys and there have been random mentions from insider Tom Bogert for the past year that the Fire are trying to spend A LOT to get a guy in. Like, MLS record-breaking transfer stuff. And I don’t doubt that at all, it seems like Mansueto can tell that things are going bad and even if he brought back Georg Heitz, he wants at least one genuine star player at the top. Again, I’ve got no name and I’m pretty sure all the names that have been tossed around on Twitter are wrong. We’re gonna get a sneak attack and I think it’s gonna be better than anything anyone’s come up with so far. Except, I guess, one name.

I just wanna first say that the guy who asked Klopas about whether we were signing Robert Lewandowski was absolutely out of pocket. There is no way he comes here before the season. There’s no way he comes here before June. Now is not the time to use that. BUT! With Barcelona moving on from their current coach at the end of the season, Lewy’s (comparative) underperformance, and the fact that he’s an older dude on a team that’s gonna probably be trying to get younger, he can be out as early as the summer window. Not to say that he will leave then, but I think you can start the clock on when he’ll be available to the Fire. Just gotta wait.

So with all of that now out there, let’s put it all together. Let’s write a better future.

The season starts a bit slow. This kinda has to happen. We got that DP9, but he needs to adjust. Klopas has been honest that these guys need to get some time together to really develop. And we saw this before with Nemanja Nikolic struggling in his first few games with the club. But I think that the defense has the chance to be stable enough while the DP9 starts to get going. And by April, we’ll start seeing some massive results. The DP9 will be cooking and we’ll finally see a striker who can score at will for the first time since Niko. And it’s not just one guy scoring. When one striker is such a threat, that means defenses will start to focus on that striker, leaving other guys open. I call this the “Kerr-Vasconcelos Principle” and around this time we’re gonna start seeing some real production out of guys like Chris Mueller, Maren Haille-Selassie, and even Tom Barlow.

Come June-July, the Fire are notorious for not only using the summer window as an excuse to do nothing in the winter window, but also doing nothing in the summer window as well. This time, that changes. Jairo Torres finally gets moved on and that frees up that third DP slot again. With slots finally filled on defense, in the attack, and even in the midfield, that gives the Fire maximum freedom to just bring in someone who is a total game-changer. Maybe not Lewy, but a DP that’s gonna create that separation from the other teams in the playoff hunt. I wouldn’t even know what to do with this. Depending on what Klopas and Nagamura are running, maybe it’s a 6, another striker to work with the new DP9, or even a winger depending on where the team is on the injury front. But this new addition helps get the Fire over that speed bump they always hit in mid-August. Doesn’t matter what happens in Leagues Cup at that point, they have a new weapon that the rest of the league isn’t prepared for. They go into the end of the regular season in playoff position and with a ton of momentum.

And when you have a ton of momentum… You win. Look, I’m not saying “We’re gonna win MLS Cup.” But MLS is built in a way where if you have a year, you have a year. And if you get hot at the right time, you get hot at the right time. Besides, we’re talking about this perfect world, a perfect ending for the Fire. Everything has gone right in this scenario. And when you look at what specifically has needed to go right for the Fire from a meta standpoint in this scenario, it honestly doesn’t seem like that much. There are only a few extra things that need to happen in order to send things in the right direction. A couple of key signings, an improved mentality, and improved tactics. And with Klopas, I would never question the team’s mentality. And with the new assistants, we might have gotten some better soccer minds on the sideline to get things right on the pitch. And like I said, the Fire are absolutely willing to spend. And if they can find two dudes, one within the next month or so and the other sometime in the summer, things are a lot different come October.

Happily ever after, right?

Well… That was a deliberately happy ending. It’s important to envision where you want to be, but even with how simplistic this all is, the actions themselves are so delicate and complicated. So, I want you to at least have that image in your head, the image of a successful Fire team. Hold onto it for a bit. Now, let it fade. Because we all know that there is no “happily ever after” with the Fire. All we know is losing. Not “all we know is how to lose.” Actually, that’s one thing that it seems like the Fire fanbase really struggles with. Even after all these years of losing, I don’t think any of us has really properly learned how to take a loss. We’ve experienced so much loss, but haven’t fully processed any of it. We haven’t taken that full step back and allowed ourselves to feel that true sense of loss and grief.

Next week on our guided meditation on the Fire: Things Will Get Worse.

Miscellaneous Notes

Kings of the Cup. I didn’t get a chance to say this, but the U.S. Open Cup is incredibly important and it’s just so dumb to be like “Yeah, we’ve made our own money-grab tournament, so we’re not gonna play in the thing with actual history.”

Off The (Tim) Couch. I can’t believe Joe Flacco had a whole ass Linsanity run while I was away. But I can believe that it was for the Cleveland Browns. Probably the first time they’ve seen an ELITE quarterback round there since Bernie Kosar in 1993.

It’s Bauver. I honestly hate that there’s no fun storyline in the Super Bowl this year. Purdy’s lost his charm, same with a Chiefs team that feels like the biggest fraud alert since England at a World Cup.

World Shaking. You may notice that I have a new little banner image for the column. I drew all of that over the past week while watching Sailor Moon Super. I wanna be like Sailor Uranus when I grow up.

Song of the Week. New thing I’m trying this season since I miss being a radio DJ. I love the Tiny Desk Concerts and that’s mostly cause you can get some fun arrangements of these songs. And Sting running with Juice WRLD’s use of his song “The Shape of My Heart” in the latter’s 2018 classic “Lucid Dreams” is just beautiful to me. Sampling a sample. That’s some real music right there. Also, Shaggy’s there.

I love you.

And I’ll see you next week.